What is wrong with me?
What’s wrong with me? It seems like such a simple question and it’s one that I’ve asked a lot over the years. Early in my training to become a counsellor and psychotherapist, I tackled it head-on in my own personal therapy. As I’ve progressed a bit further on my quest (I hate the word ‘journey’), I’ve realised that this question can play a big part in other people’s mental and psychological distress too. It can plague some people for years and there have definitely been times in my life when I’ve felt like I can’t carry on unless it gets answered.
I think it can be helpful for some to break the question up for the sake of exploration and I’m not just talking about the actual words here but to look ‘behind the scenes’ too:
- What: Something’s going on and I’m not sure what it is, hence asking the question
- Wrong: There’s this underlying idea that whatever it is I’m dealing with is ‘wrong’
- Me: I’m assuming it’s not something that’s thought about or felt by others, I’m convinced it’s unique to me
For me, the last two bulletpoints need a bit of unpacking…
Wrong
I’ve written before about the inner critic — the harsh, self-defeating voice which would often dominate my thoughts. In days gone by, it used to shout so loud in my head whenever I did something ‘wrong’ and I didn’t achieve perfection. Nowadays, I listen to it sometimes while also being mindful of the fact there are other voices in there which are equally deserving of a chance in the spotlight. For example, the voice of compassion which urges nurturing and self-care.
So many mental health diagnoses run with this ‘wrong’ idea. Being depressed or anxious is seen as something that is wrong with you rather than the way you are coping with what the world throws at you. Some people find solace in something being wrong because it gives a label and an explanation to what has been going on. For others, it can make the situation a whole lot worse. I think the idea of a ‘wrong’ also suggests the existence of a ‘right’ which you are being compared to, but which might not actually exist.
Me
The assumption here suggests that I’m alone in what I’m thinking or feeling and that isolation is often born of fear: fear that I’m different from everyone else and that I might not be accepted by others due to that difference. That fear has often stopped me from talking about what’s going on which has meant I’ve kept it to myself and therefore had no support. The lack of support tends to add even more distress into the equation.
Attempting to communicate and check things out with someone else has often been the key to dissolving the isolation for me but that often takes a hell of a lot of courage. More often than not, I’ve found that someone has usually been through, thought or felt something similar, or when they hear more about what’s going on for me, they might be able to understand and empathise. I realise this isn’t the case for all — being in a supportive community of other trainee therapists has its perks.
What if there isn’t something wrong with you?
What if the thing you’re dealing with is actually a part of being human? And what authority do we truly have to judge what others do or parts of who they are and label them as right or wrong? Being different from one another is part of who we are as a species, whether that’s through gender, sexuality, faith, food choice, abilities, weight, sleep patterns, personal habits…the list is endless! Perhaps if we spent more time celebrating those differences instead of pathologizing them, we might actually make some progress…
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