Rejection and hurt Pt. 2
So I’ve written about this topic before but having read that previous post back, it was more of a broad overview of what rejection is and how it can affect you rather than the more painful job of getting into the nitty-gritty. Having been rejected only yesterday and as I’m in the process of reflecting on it and working through it, it seems the perfect time to get it all out there.
Backstory
I’ve been dating someone for a few weeks. It’s a bit of a weird one because I actually met up with them a couple of times in 2020 but I think it quickly became apparent that I wasn’t ready for anything more at that point. This person got back in touch with me and we arranged some meetings. During all this, I’ve rediscovered some emotions I haven’t really felt for a long time e.g. feeling excited about meeting rather than anxious.
I will readily admit I got caught up in the flurry of chemicals and hormones rushing round my body — that’s what happens when you’re into someone. I thought we were getting closer and there was a ‘slow burn’ going on. I could see the amazing potential in a relationship and it was easy for me to see where we could slot into each other’s lives. I had a strong ‘I think this is it’ kind of reaction — I felt safe, we laughed, we had a good time.
Over the past few days, I’ve had similar feelings to the ones I had in this post. I started checking my phone more often to see if a certain someone had got in touch and felt the need to connect more and more. However, I was grappling with intense uncertainty of ‘are they really interested?’ ‘is this what I think it is?’ ‘where do we go from here?’ The anxiety related with that uncertainty has been building and much like the post above, it got to an intolerable point. There seems to be a pattern to this anxiety — if it’s getting to these intense, overwhelming levels, it’s often because some action needs to be taken, I need to take a leap (however horrible that leap might be).
Yesterday
I took that leap. I asked the question of whether there was any interest in meeting up, seeing how the land lies. My hands went cold, I was fixated on my phone waiting for a reply and I could hardly think of anything else. It was a no — and kudos to him, he let me down pretty gently. I think I took it as gracefully as I could; in fact, I’d even say I’m proud of how I handled it.
Sure, there was a rollercoaster of emotions and my head was swimming in some barbed, cutting words that I’d like to use for a while, especially when he went down the clichéd ‘let’s be friends’ route (as genuine as that might potentially be). Even now I feel cutthroat about this — friendship isn’t possible. This is all part of a natural reaction to hurt, the urge to lash out. I was also tempted to block them and delete messages or to question and say ‘you’re making a mistake’. But you know what? While that might have acted as an outlet for my emotions, it wouldn’t help.
I realised what I needed to do more than anything, and that was to sit with it. It’s a much more difficult path to tread but feelings need to be felt, in all their shitty glory. I’m mad, I’m pissed off, I’m sad, I’m frustrated. It’s also easy to forget that this kind of rejection also involves grief — I need to grieve for the lost potential and the path that now can’t be followed.
The aftermath
I’m definitely glad I asked the question because now I know where I stand. Lying in bed last night, my mind, body, and soul were all exhausted but as I had taken action to burst the anxiety bubble I was in, there was an element of calm to it. I know I can gradually move on and heal from this…but talking about moving on is probably jumping the gun. The truth is that rejection hurts. There is a lot of emotional/psychic pain involved and I am hurting right now. I’m not ashamed to admit I cried for about an hour after this all happened over messages, partly from hurt and partly from relief.
Once I’d got over the tears, I even messaged back to his ‘I’m sorry’ and said it’s okay. It didn’t feel okay at the time I sent that but it is — while I thought there was compatibility and ‘something’ there, he didn’t. Regardless of the outcome, this is a huge step in my own development. The fact I was able to be myself with no facade and respond in a mature way throughout all of this suggests I’m actually in a healthy place.
I’m still wishing the outcome was different and checking messages but that’s actually normal. I read something last night about how attraction and love brush up heavily against the parts of us that want to hold on to people and even obsess. I have no doubt this will tail off in the coming days and weeks. Before all of this kicked off last night, I decided to go back to therapy for the first time in months because of how much it has unsettled me. While I’m getting good at unpicking things for myself nowadays, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to explore a bit deeper and luckily I can do that thanks to the strong trusting relationship I have with my therapist.
This too shall pass
Thanks for reading :)
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